Summer movies are awful, let’s be honest. The same tired story of “I’m an American senior in high school and this is one last hurrah with all my nerdy friends before we split up across the country so let’s be a bunch of wasted douchebags YEEEEEAAAAAAAH”. If I have to see one more “loser” regurgitate the same old lines that the jock-bully will be irrelevant in the real world, I’ll punch a watermelon (don’t know what that’ll do but I’m sure it’ll make me feel a lot better). Everyone is just so gosh darn happy in summer movies, a season full of possibilities and unicorns and rainbows and magic-flavored ice cream.
You know what they hardly ever show in those garden-variety teen summer films? Sweat. Sunburn. Mosqitos. So this is my comprehensive list of reasons why summer is without a doubt the worst season:
It is too damn hot. Although summer in Austria lasts only around 4 months at best, that time is torture. You can step outside as early as 6 a.m. and you will still sweat. You can sit in the shade at noon and you will still need to chug about 4 liters of ice water to feel barely human. You can crawl across the city back to your perfectly tempered ground-floor appartment in the evening and you will still risk heat stroke. How can people stand this? I get so unbelievably lethargic in the heat I cannot find the energy to do anything productive – guess it’s a good thing I’m still in college and have the summer off then. I prefer the cold of winter over this bs any day. At least when you’re cold you can put on an infinite amount of clothes to keep you warm. When you’re hot you can’t do anything. Yeah you might be able to take off some clothes but even when you’re naked it is still too hot. F that, man.
Armpits, underboobs, stomachrolls, every part of the human anatomy is drenched as soon as you leave the comfort of a cold shower. You can’t wear grey t-shirts because those water stains will show up like a flashing billboard of wet stickiness. You can’t wear white t-shirts because the deodorant (dear god, please tell me you’re wearing some deodorant in the summer) will leave disgusting, yellow residue. You can’t wear black because you’ll DIE in the heat. So what are you supposed to do? Wear colors? Puh-lease. You can’t even hug people, hold hands or be accidentally tangent to another person on the bus because everything you touch will turn out sweaty (mom’s spaghetti).
I’ve said it before, I will say it again: everything that crawls is disgusting – except babies ofc. As soon as I lay down in a yard or by a lake, I feel something creeping its way up my leg. Granted, it might just be the wind or a piece of grass brushing against me but I will, from that point forward, have the unshakable feeling that something with a minimum of 6 legs is just waiting for a chance to sting, bite or pee on me. And I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I have suffered due to a particularly pesky mosquito having just a grand ol’ time buzzing near my ear every 2 minutes.
Every summer I feel like I have exactly 1 outfit that looks good. Everything else is either too casual (I’m not going to wear a washed-out, old tank top from the gas station in public), too warm, too short, too tight or too see-through. The entire season is a horrificly long period of discomfort. Not to mention shorts. I’m not a fan of having my butt cheeks on display on the daily but I’m not a fan of board shorts on myself either. Thankfully, there are plenty of options for cute shorts in every length. But regardless, you have to shave an unholy amount of times if you want to wear them – unless you’re not as much of a patriarchal conformist as me, that is.
And sitting ANYWHERE sucks. Wanna sit in on the lawn? Have fun with dried grass painfully poking you in the thigh. Wanna place that booty on a chair? Better prepare for weird patterns imprinted onto your skin. Plus standing up feels like ripping a band-aid off the entire backside of your legs. And don’t even get me started on make-up. Let’s just say ice cream isn’t the only thing that’s melting.
“Summer’s great! The days are longer and you c–” FUCK OFF. It’s difficult enough getting sleep with heat and bugs, as I’ve said. But if you have even less time to get that sweet, sweet R.E.M. in, grumpiness is pretty much unavoidable. Since I, Miss Insomnia 2017, have experience in that area, let me just tell you right now: 8 hours ain’t happening, my friends. Unless you count those unfortunate instances when you fall asleep in a shady spot at noon and wake up 3 hours later, disoriented and with a sun tan like a cooked lobster.
After dealing with all these inconveniences, people still expect you to be happy and smile like a hippie on shrooms. Every single thing you do during a regular hot summer’s day is exhausting. Yet, you’re still expected to go to the beach, throw a shrimp on the barbie (sorry, Aussie readers, couldn’t resist) or check out a mofoing bridge or whatever on a city tour. And if you don’t, if you’d rather stay inside, read a book without the wind flipping the pages or play that Zelda game you haven’t had time for during the semester, you’re being “weird” or “boring”. Though I gotta say, I love how my sister doesn’t care one bit about that. She’s sleeping til noon and just living the good life as a hermit during summer break. What an inspiration. Such strength.
I realize that all of these sound like ‘me’ problems. And yes, summer also has its positive sides. But when I have to walk through downtown Vienna at 7 in the morning and start to sweat like Eric Martin ca. ’83 in a Hawaiian arena without a/c, I will get my rage on and nobody’s going to stop me.