This is just a fun little list of things that constantly annoy me in movie theaters and maybe I can raise some awareness concerning this troubling issue.
1. Can’t afford (cool or flashy) snacks which they show on viciously entertaining slideshows just to tease you (and take your money). And boy, would I give you that money if I had it. But times are rough … yada, yada, yada. And sure, a limited-edition Harley Quinn cup which can fit 2L of liquid seems cool when you’re at the buffet. Once you get home, however, Margot Robbie’s gorgeous smiling face makes you question why you spent your resources on literal junk rather than saving baby kangaroos. Let’s be honest, I could’ve just painted a bucket and it would’ve been the same thing.
2. Can’t see anything because the person in front of you is presumably 10 feet tall. I don’t really have much more to say about this situation. And I don’t blame that person, that’s nothing they can control but I would encourage you to think about a career in basketball or painting really huge paintings. I guess you could use a ladder but it would be so much more impressive without!!
3. You have to pee during the third act because you bought a 2L Harley Quinn cup and somehow (I don’t know how) drank it all. This happens a lot to me and it really gets my gears grinding because it never used to be that way. Do bladders shrink with age? But there is one positive thing that comes of this: I always know exactly where the restrooms are and how to get there the fastest. So, if, one day, a bigger, let’s say a bigger number than number 1, emergency occurs – I got it covered.
4. Someone spilt their drink/food in the viewing before you and it got overlooked/ignored by the staff. For a person who thinks practically, this might be just the jackpot they’ve been waiting for: free popcorn! But for a person who would like to enjoy a movie without having to peel cheese nachos from their butt afterwards: that’s nacho great!
5. Those seats are small and your butt and back hurt after half an hour even after adjusting your position a hundred times. Not everyone might know this problem, but I know that especially taller people (including me) have a hard time to fit in any seat at any venue. Plus, there’s a chance you’re blocking off someone’s view behind you so it’s double annoying, a double bummer, DB knockout.
6. Permanently checking the emergency exits because anxiety won’t let you relax in a dark, smelly chamber filled with strangers. I have a feeling that this might just be the perfect setting for a Fifty Shades of Grey sequel but I’m not keen to find out so let’s forget about that. It’s nacho fault, Jamie Dornan, but this franchise sucks.
7. You spill your drink/food and hope nobody notices (not even the staff?). This is just awkward because you feel embarrassed about your clumsiness and the struggle to repress tears of sadness over the loss of your precious snacks at the same time. The only consolation can be offered by your trusty friends who share their nibbles with you. Excellent friends don’t let friends dry-slurp during a movie.
8. You watch a movie in its third week on a chilly afternoon, planning a relaxing activity with some friends when five school classes decide to do just the same. Only, they’re doing it their way. And their way includes screaming, laughing, crying, talking the whole freaking movie. And while the teachers probably thank the inventor of movie projectors* for the 90 minutes of peace they get, smuggling in some rum in their coke and snoring, sunken deeply into their seats – you, on the other hand, curse Maria Theresia for inventing our school system. Okay, I don’t mean that! But sweet red seat rumble! Please let it end!
*Wikipedia says it was a British feller called Eadweard Muybridge. Thanks, Ed!
9. People are texting/checking social media the whole time. Now this is just silly and extremely disrespectful. You paid a good amount of money to watch this movie and you just decide that it doesn’t mean anything to you? How dare you spoil the sacred grounds of the cinema! If you’d rather want to Netflix and chill then I suggest you do just that – at home! The blue light of your phone screen, sometimes so bright it’s literally blinding everyone around you, flashing up and ruining my experience: not cool, dude. If you’re so bored you have to check the video of Cole Sprouse sensually eating a burger for the 10th time: I don’t judge you but please don’t forget to be respectful of the people around you.
10. The people next to you are basically eating each other like a freaking facehugger couple. If I want to see Alien porn, it’s probably not that hard to find. Which doesn’t mean I want to see it! You’re just as annoying as those pop-ups showing busty ladies or diet pills. And if you thought that this list would include chewing noises, well, I would rather listen to 300 Spartans chew on a whole cow than the sucking noises of Cell from Dragonball and Noo Noo (Teletubbies’ vacuum) combined with acrobatically impressive but still annoyingly invading petting.
This is my list of things that make me fight my inner Hulk with all my strength, attempting not to smash everyone’s head like I’m trying to win a whack-a-mole tournament. What are your movie theater bummers and do you have any tips to avoid or solve them?